Your Sexual Fantasies – Part II
To Share or Not to Share Your Secret Garden?
The thought of revealing our sexual fantasies to our intimate partners can be daunting. Many people today can talk freely about their favorite sexual positions or how often they masturbate. But let others know what they think about when they’re masturbating? They would rather go for a root canal.
What is it about sexual fantasies that make them so difficult to share? As we discovered in Your Sexual Fantasies, Part 1, what turns us on in our minds is often a reflection of our hidden needs and desires. It’s as if we know instinctively that by sharing that secret part of ourselves, we might be revealing more than we bargained for.
And for most, the fear of ridicule, criticism or judgement is also a strong deterrent, especially when it comes from the one that counts the most, our romantic partners. How does one know if what excites them is normal if no one’s talking? So we proceed with caution when sharing our secret garden.
But sharing fantasies within an intimate relationship can be a great way to spice things up if you and your partner are comfortable doing this. Describing fantasies during sex can be pretty hot as can actually playing them out. Just like when we used to role play as kids (cowboys and Indians, teacher and students, cops and robbers, etc.), sexual role play can be an opportunity to connect and express parts of ourselves and of our partners that are otherwise inhibited.
Sharing sexual fantasies can bring back that initial element of risk and surprise that was there at the beginning of the relationship. And it can satisfy one’s longing for sex with other partners without actually having sex with anyone else. The possibilities are endless: you play a highly sought-after high paying prostitute and I’ll be the rich client, you be the queen and I’ll be your sex slave, I’ll play the gynecologist and you be my patient…
And when our personal erotic world is welcomed by another, the feeling of acceptance can be a powerful experience in validation and guilt relief.
But how do you know if it’s safe to share your fantasies with your partner?
First of all, fantasy disclosure needs to take place within a space of trust, confidentiality and non judgement. It needs to occur between two people who see fantasies just as they are: a natural expression of our sexual uniqueness and not a sign of perversion.
Second, sharing fantasies within an intimate relationship also requires a good dose of emotional maturity in both parties. You must be able to accept and not personalize the fact that the other has their own personal erotic world that doesn’t necessarily include you.
And third, a mutual respect of differences must be present. What turns you on might not turn on your partner. It could very well turn them off. Or, while they find the idea of the fantasy stimulating, for whatever reason, they might not feel comfortable acting it out. For example, the opportunity to role play a sexually dominant figure can be very enticing for some but will just bring to the surface a sense of inadequacy for others.
So how do you feel about sharing your sexual fantasies?